April 25th, 2012 - In the beginning

I decided to create a blog after several sessions with the grief counselor.  After the death of my father (Friday August 12th, 2011 - 4:25 pm), my siblings and I were attempting to come to terms with the loss.  After all, he had been chronically ill for years (especially his last) and he was 81 years old, so it shouldn't have been such a shock.  This really shouldn't be a surprise.  In any case, the counselor suggested "writing it down" to my sister, in order to be able to come to terms with the loss.
What really surprised me was the entire process we had to go through after his passing; in regards to his financial accounts, mortgage, retirement/pension, medical, social security, etc... so much paperwork that left me drained and dizzy.

We were all mourning in our own ways, and normally I wouldn't have such a hard reaching out to my siblings but there were days I couldn't even muster getting out of bed, let alone a phone call. My grief would come at the most inopportune times - sitting at my desk at work and suddenly the tears would overflow.  A memory of a joke or story my dad told years before, or just talking to him at his kitchen table while he struggled to breathe on the "bad days".  God, did he suffer.  The earliest memories of my childhood have included seeing him struggling with the fucking asthma that would eventually end his life.  He was so strong in character and while he did have his own dysfunction (don't we all?), was a great dad.

As if this wasn't enough, my husband's mother died 5 months later (January 27th, 2012 - 4:10 p.m.)  Susana Flores was a great woman.  She was as quiet as a mouse and always put her husband's needs above hers and her childrens.  While I didn't understand her personality, I did love her and I miss her.  Her breast cancer was her Goliath and she conquered it like a true fighter.  Ironically it would be her heart that would fail her.  She was only 72 and it was sudden.  I still can't believe she's gone.  The day of her burial, I saw a lone hawk flying right above the canopy where were were listening to the final rites.  It circled for several seconds, and when I looked up at the blue cloudless sky again, it was gone.

I came up with the blog name Inspired Motherhood, because I have always felt myself muddling through my life. I'm just sort of along for the ride.  Even in my youth I couldn't wait to grow up, and as a grown up I think to myself "now what?".  I was never one of those who felt they were born with a purpose.  Rather, I felt "why me".  I have been praying for inspiration.  What kind you ask? Any kind.  I hope and pray to inspire myself and others.  I hope to inspire my children to do good things, and for them to be able to inspire good in others.  I think our world needs goodness, love and kindness.  I pray to God/Jesus for these things.  Yes, I believe in God and Jesus okay?  Don't get all bent out of shape and think this is some sort of bible thumping come to Jesus blog.  I do believe in his miracles and his gifts.  I see his blessings every day. 
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April 26th, 2012 - All your prayers

I've been told by people well versed in the Bible, that there is power in prayer. It's essential for Christian's to pray for others as well as for themselves. Say what????  Pray for myself?  Yes, it's true - one should pray for oneself.  Furthermore, it's recommended and encouraged to ask God for what you want.  I was astounded at this, because I always assumed it was presumptuous to ask him, the Lord Almighty for anything.  So once I got over my initial shock, I did both and while I'm still struggling with this, I continue to pray for myself and ask God for things.
 
I have to be clear: I don't ask for the cute pair of shoes I saw at DSW, or for him to grant me a slamming brand new minivan.  I ask him to help me with my daily chaos, to protect my loved ones, to give strength to my father in law,  to let me forgive others.  Our entire world needs healing.  In any case I'm thankful for all the blessings I have: my children, husband and family members.  You know who you are.  Thank you for thinking of me, and always keeping me close to your heart. 
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May 2nd, 2012 - Newest Family Member

Welcome Vincent Franklin!  This is our newest addition. His mom gave birth to him May 1st, 2012 - and came in at a very respectable 7 pounds 1 ounce considering he was born at 37 weeks.  Mom and baby are fine.  He's a beautiful son for first time dad, James.  Good things come when babies are born - I can feel it.  Babies bring out the best in us - all our hopes and dreams are transferred over to them.   James' family met us at the hospital, and our side (grand parents on both sides, great grand moms (my mother and James' grandmother) and great great grandma Rose was there as well.  I love hospital nursery wards.  We all start the same: small, vulnerable and already so loved.  All is right in the world.
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May 7th, 2012 - 2:25 pm - Forgiveness is...

I spent a great evening with the Tri chicks at the Healing Ministry fundraiser.  Last night, the Reverend Sharon spoke and the topic was forgiveness.  She explained who she was,  and how she became ordained.  The beginning of her journey was very dark, bitter and interesting.  She and her mother were abandoned by her father, when she was just 6 and a half months old.  Years later, she married and had a son and was then abandoned by her husband when her son was around 3 years old.  Alcoholism was part of her life for years, until a friend took her to AA.  There she met her sponsor and her recovery.  It was a hard tough road to coming to terms with her addictions (she also had a food addiction), but she was able to forgive her husband as well as herself.  Ironically, forgiving herself was the hardest thing to do.

Acceptance of one's faults and weakness is such a hard battle, and it is harder when  you realize you can't do it alone.  Yet as the Rev. Sharon quoted John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full", we should remember to forgive ALL transgressions.  Then followed with Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  I prayed to forgive the anger I had for all the negative events in my life.  I asked God to let me forgive anyone and everyone that had hurt me: My father, my mother, my husband, etc...  I have to tell you, it was a loooong list.  It didn't come easy. I had to pray to God to help me open my heart.  Nothing happens when  your heart is closed.  You have to take the leap of faith and put yourself out there.

I was so glad I was part of that awesome evening.  I was also surprised at the amount of women I knew, and whom I've become friends with.  This is because I opened my heart up, and reached out to them.  I'm so thankful I did.  We are all so different and yet all of us are beautiful, so strong, so gifted.  When we open our hearts and unite, we become an amazing force.